Would you pick up the phone any time a friend in need calls?
Of course you would. Most of us would. When I see the memes circulate on social media about being available when someone in crisis calls them, something has always stopped me from participating. Not because I wouldn’t pick up the phone, because I would and I do. Often. I wasn’t sure why this meme bothered me.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
This week the reason finally came to me. It’s because of the very simple fact that people in crisis rarely have the capacity to pick up the phone and hit the call button. When a person can’t even get out of bed, or can’t find the energy to get dressed, or the biggest accomplishment of the day was to comb their hair, making a phone call is definitely not going to happen.
This meme is all about the people posting and sharing. It has nothing to do with the person who can’t get out of bed and desperately needs to know that someone cares about them.
Who’s First?
My challenge to you then, is to be the first one to pick up the phone. If you haven’t heard from a friend in a while, haven’t seen them posting on social media when they normally would, or you haven’t seem them in the usual places, make the assumption that they need you…and maybe they don’t realize that it would help to talk to a friend.
Survival Is A Solitary Thing
Something else you may not be aware of: people who have been through hard times have often had to survive alone. There was no one to help them. Or when they asked for help they were shut down or turned away or ignored. It is not easy to reach out for help when it has been denied in the past. You might be able to offer help – but they might not be able to ask. Sometimes they are not able to accept help that is offered.
Is Someone Missing?
The most important thing I can say about this is that it’s not about you. The social media post is a great thing to share if you want people to see that you will pick up the phone…but that post is about you. A far better option is to simply pick up the phone and call your friends, and you know who they are.
Think about your friend who lost their parent on this day in a previous year – call them. They are grieving again. Still. Ask them to share some memories about important times with their parent. Help them keep their good memories alive.
Think about your friend who will be marking another wedding anniversary alone today – call them. They are grieving again. They think because it happened “so long ago” that no one will understand why they are “still” not “over it”. It would be a relief to hear their spouse’s name spoken in someone else’s voice, to know that their spouse has not been forgotten.
Think about your friend who has been diagnosed with a serious illness – call them. They are terrified and need support. They don’t know what’s ahead, they don’t know how they will handle it all, they don’t know what their choices are, they are probably in a tailspin. Offer them compassion, let them blurt out all their fears, give them the space to separate the facts from the fears, offer them reassurance that they are not alone.
If they ask for specific help, offer it if you are able, and if you are not able to help it’s ok to say no. Maybe you know someone else who can help, or you might know of a resource that would be helpful, or maybe you can just listen and that’s enough.
I’ll Be There
I have always been the one who picked up the phone. I have always been the one to wait for someone to call. I actually hate phoning anyone. I feel like I’m calling when it is inconvenient for someone to answer, or that they have better things to do, or that they don’t really want to hear from me. I have at least 100 reasons not to pick up the phone. But when someone calls me, I’m there. I’m happy to listen, to offer comfort.
I can’t help but also offer my opinions and potential solutions because that’s just who I am. Some of my friends will say right away “I just want to vent, I don’t want solutions” and that is such a great thing to say. It sets the boundary and helps me to know that I simply need to listen and be there.
Follow Your Instincts
Many years ago, something wild happened to me. Out of the blue I felt a very strong compulsion to pick up the phone. I followed the cue. I dialed what felt like a random number – and my sister picked up from her new home on the new phone that had just been connected. She had not shared that phone number with anyone. She was extremely lonely in her new home and I called just when she needed to know she wasn’t alone. I can’t explain that one. I’m just grateful I was there. So was she.
Has that ever happened to you? If it does, follow the compulsion. It matters.
I have been the one who picked up the phone and discovered that it was a friend who missed me. Who noticed that I wasn’t at my usual places. Who wondered if I was ok. I wasn’t. Those calls were far more important than the callers ever knew. Some of those calls stopped a minor depression from spiraling out of control. Some of those calls gave me the courage to pick myself up and try again.
Don’t Wait
All this to say…don’t wait for a phone call. Or a text. If you notice someone is missing from your usual activities, text or call or drop in. Check in with them because they might need you and not be able to ask.
Being willing to pick up when someone calls is easy. Being the one to reach out to someone who may be having a rough time is hard. Do the hard thing. It doesn’t have to be a phone call. It can be a text. A message on social media. A card in the mail. Even better, pop a quilted postcard in the mail!
The postcard here did not get through the mail in time for the recipient to see it. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I hope it brought comfort to her family to know that she will be missed. The picture brings back good memories of sew days on zoom with her. Sometimes reaching out does not turn out the way I think it will, but it is always well worth the effort.
Try being the one who reaches out first. Let me know how it goes!
